Day 56 - Fly like an eagle

There is this awesome video going around face book these days - It's titled, "This video will CHANGE your life". It has nice photography, nice calm new age background music, and most importantly a very grandiose English narrator. The kind that sounds something like Dumbledore or Anthony Hopkins. The message is clear: Don't worry about money. Do what you love doing, It always works out in the end.

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My initial reaction - as I shared it on face book was - yes! imbue the passion! Be the ball Danny!

But then I did some retirement planning and all the BS alarm bells went of in my head (Holy F***! I need to save that much a month if I want to have a halfway decent retirement!! I'm F***ed!!) I think one of the comments on the links said it best " If everyone did what they wanted then who is going to pick up  the trash on Monday!" Yeah. That's reality.

Reminds me a bit about the time when I was a ski bum, until my dad got me a job on Wall Street. All of a sudden being a ski bum just looked stupid. And those guys who got there asses to Wall Street right after school - instead of taking time off to find their bad selves -  looked pretty smart. And half of them are retired now. And let's face it Wall Street is pretty fun. As my entrepreneurial finance teacher put it -  "Nice work if you can get it!".

And every time I go skiing, (or fishing, or trekking) and there is some instructorr or guide, more often then you can see these guys are college grads who found themselves being tour guides and bartenders because they followed there passion and they really scratching there heads, and you can almost here the regret inside there heads "what the f*** happened? how did I get here?

That is not to say that you don;t find many people who are the opposite. Writers, painters, poets, fisherman, who are truly happy. But that is choice. Choices are like marriage - you better pick the right one because you half to live with it the rest of you life and it will never be easy, will always require work.

But if you understand that and make the right one you get the rewards. Life requires hard work. Doing things we don't want to do. paying dues. Planting seeds. If you want to paint or be poet weekends and evening should stop you! Mortgage, schools, vacations, good food, nice cloths, safe and comfortable transport. Can be tough to get from busking and blogging. So you need to ask yourself how much you realy love busking and blogging.

I remember thinking about our house growing up. What a waste. we could live a simpler life and be happier. But guess what. It;s not so simple. I always said when I grew up I would do things differently. And I have. But let's face it - not that different. And still my kids are saying the same thing about me. But when I see some of the people who did choose different paths - I am downright frightened. Yeah life's what happens when your busy makig plans.


Another one (tell me something I don'tt know!)

Day 55 - Italian restaurant

Last night I ate at a new restaurant. It is part of my Saturday night ritual. I am still a loner in Kiev on weekends. Hints tocoeagues tend to unheeded.Truth be told I don't really mind so much. Dining alone, and drinking alone, has always had it upside for me. Call it a kind of meditation.

The name of the restaurant was Rusticana. I had passed by on my way to work and it looked inviting from the outside, well lit, warmly appointed windows and entrance. Walking in however my heart sank. Empty. Cheap linoleum floors. bartender and waitress to busy looking at the Internet to welcome me properly.  Felt to guilty to leave. Caprese salad, creamy mushroom pasta, and a full serving of white bread. Three glasses of red wine.Not exactly the diet, but fuck it, it's Saturday night.

Other restaurant 0- Spanish and Italian - called tomatoes is much better. Just cant believe they run out of red wine on a Thursday evening. Olivia still pretty impressive Will have to make a habit of better research, whilst remaining a loyal customer where deserved.

Rest of the week - chicken, fish, fruit and veggies - and a few trips to the gym.

Day 54 - Good Day Sunshine . . .

Wow! I have been in Kive, Ukraine for thre-and-a galf months and I don't think I have yet see anyuthing ike it. Sun! lterally not a cloud n the sky. That thing that kind of looks like a cloud is actually a reflection from the lt in y office.

My ffice by the ay pfords qute a nice view of kiev. Wel if Kiev is nice. Interestig mix of -prewar, modern and commist buldings. A niuce church is propped upon the hill bor far fro a scarsaper. Tis is doubly ntersyng becayudse I knoew my partment is somwhere around ther.

Shockig hw badly I kow the city of Kiev. I walk a lot so stratigo know my neghbor hood. Otherwise I'm prettu ignorant. Work. Gym. Grocercey store. a few pubs and restaurants. Well that about suns it up.

Looking orwad to spring. Trying hard not get anxious because I knewo we have a solid month to go but we are clearly in the downward slope. I feel like a ear coming out of hybernation. Looking frad to running in the park, smelling grass and watching flowers bloom. A girlds with ess and less clothing . . . .

The pace f lifeis getting better too. Next week ski holidays. Oh yeah baby! looking forrad to that. The rest of March will liley be a slog n iev but yuoyu know I on;y mnd it so much. I am a person who really diesbt mind be alone. Not too much at least. myabe I'll be a hermut when I grow old.

Looking forwad a swell to easter and then my Dad's vist. By them I will hopefuly secure a work from hope two days a week scahedule. My double lihe continues . . . First Budapest, then Prague, now Kiev . . . wheres will be next?? 

day 48 - regrets, I've ad a few . . .

But then again, too few to mention . .  .ah, old blue eyes. As i was explaining to my colleague the other day this is more the a song by an old crooe it is a life philioshy. Let me explain. We all like to say I have no regrets. But is that really true? An if it is trie is it really healthy? I think all of us have momentin the past, then when we  ocasially call them up in our mid. Find such moment sabsolutley crineworthy.

for example he tine that I thought i was being helpful to my'friend' when I exlaind to him at reat length and detail why I didn't eant to be his friend anymore (no honesty is NT always the best policy) or whan asked my older sister why she had so many zits on her face, or how mercileeslt I teased and tormented my younfer sister (sadly - even into younf adulthood).

But - as blue eyes suggest - these ar the kind of rhgerets that are realy too few tomention. I think the human cnditiom either allows us or forces u sto epress these types of regrests. et us cal these type 1 regrets.

Now, the other type of regret - well I think we know about that kind. At least of we read yahoo we do. This would be bastimng your supermodel girlfriend throgh he bathroom door with a 38 or accidently backing up over your 9-year old whon you didn't see playing, because you were in a hurry to make it to thedentist.

Alternatively it could be not spending enough time with the kids, cheating n your wife, ebessing from petty cash, cjeaing on your expenses (in this case, I think only if you got caught would you trylu regrets).

For me - so far I'm like Frank - I've had a few - but then again to fee t mention. BUT if I'm notcarefu . . .
- kids
 - wife
 - dreams
 - works
 - health

Regrets of the dyig

Day 33 - stuck in the middle

To watch or not to watch - that is ter question. Super \bowl sunday is the day just about EVERY american sits in frnt of a television - sipping beers and munching on junkfood. Ohhh, I can taste those nachos and beer just thinking abouyt it. Me? I'm stuck in the middle . . . The original plan was to go to the sports pub, lieterally in the middle of the nighjt (we are 6 hours ahead), but he loose assicoaite sof expats who I am still in touch have, one by one, dopped like flies by the wayside. While I am tempted to go to the pub by myself (big screen TV, chicken wings and greasy bar food, beer on tap!) the image of myself sitting alone at a bar trying to make friends with the other tables (jokers to the left of me clowns to the right, here \I am stuck in ythe middle with [me]) is pathetic enough that \i don't entertain sucj thoughts for more then a day and a half.

It is now Sunday after lunch and I am now firm in my convistion that I shall be disciplined and not be a loser and go get drunk and eat junk food ayt some sports bar in the middle of the niht. I will do at home, instead. To prepare I two bottles of wine, one rose and one white) into the ridhge. Normally I would go for red - it pairs better with the super bowl - but I have rand through my "collection|' since stocking up pre-holidays. I have a cheese plate set aside in the fridge. Time to go sit in the man chjair and make sure it will serve its dutiful purpose later this evening.

When one is a travelling salesmen like my self (ok, i'm a consultant but it seems as muchj the same thing) who has to typically get up an go some where on a monday that ol sunday afyternoon-ythe weekend over - work is going to suck - how can i prolong ignoring work feeling is extra strong and can put me in a sour mood. Thsi week is different thank goodness. |i will be home on \monday and tuesday, conveniently arranged due to busness meetings, stratgically placed on |Monday afternoon and tuesday mid morning. Further more I am buffeted by my knowldeg of two bottle of wine in the fridge and the fours of mind numbing testoterone fuling NFL superbowl action ahead.

But there is just something about sunday, perhaps prgrammed into me that just makes me start thinking about work.Maybe its because when your out and about everyne else is more or less in he same boat. Monday's coming coming and the sunday morning hangover hasn't quite faded so brows are a bit morefurrowed and shoulder a bit slupmed and so on. Anyways, somhow, despoite knowing I have postponed the inevtable trip to the airport by several days work becmes its typical districting self.

Normally when I think about work I think about all the stuff \i haven't doneand have been ignoring, then i typically remember the two or three urgent e-mailsi totally forgot. |I have an urge to take notes or thumb away on my blaclberry, buyt I can't because i\'m driving or haveing a family meal, or doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. In theis case, as my wife politly reminds me, it is to hang star wars plansets on my older sons bedroom sealing (|Ia lready did this but we hd to redo his room amd so \i need to do it again. I ned to tae down the gurad rauils on his bun bed (sinec it is no longer a bunk bed). And take the boys to get a haircut. The younfer one is happy to do it the older is somewhere between despondent and catatonic by the time I get him into the car. I make a deal with him. |You can tell the lady how much you want to get it cut. I start to get angry when the lady snaps hers sceiscors literay half a dozed tome before my son declares the job well done and oiver. |I truy to nefpotiate with both, |From her I get a shouldr shrug. She helpless. I know the feeling. Calling home to try to get my wife to sort it out. After a feeble effortwe gve iup and go home, convinced in our mind we (meaning my wife) will manage better some tmeleter next week (after I am long gone)>.

During all of thios there a bank ground buzz going n in my hed whichj is pretty much Like Am talk radio. Voices are a lowe murmer and then someone voives is raised, maybe an ocasioal laugh, generally an barley audable hum somethuining this. Why are we doing blaha blah, blah when will we blaha balag is that your blahh blagg, hey didn;t we say that blah blah ah fuck it blahaha ha he's such a blah blah blad oh, heyt \i gt this gfreat idea blalh blah oh shit the e-mail to what;s his bla.

Today its more pointed reflection. What the fuck happened (to our teams financial performance)?! is it ius that sucks donkey meat?! Is it me that suck donkey meat?! if the amswer is me then wher does that leave me? What will my legacy becopme|? how will the trajectory of my carrer luck to the journalist cover current events and more important the historoan writing for thegates> will they fire me? when will they fir me? Wait we alredy started firg people- who's nexy?

OInce in a whil it happend when this am radio goes in my head that a theme errupts and oits like the knowb on the stero is turning and it goies al wherwhawherewherwhawha and some how turms into FM radio. In this case it turms out that I am driving the car an actually listening to \fM radio and it's enough to quite the AM talk radio in my head. The sone is Gerry rafferty and stealers whell singing stuck in the middle.

How appropriate excliam the am radio host in my head and then a somehow the mumbel jumble gets cleere. Yes tom you are stuck in the middle just look at you. Physically you stuck n this place called central |Europe. you a loitte bit east o the rich but unintersing western european countries (cjokers to the left) and the big eastern counries (clowns to the right). Could hat be the root cause to your faiure. Well tom maybe it could be. \do youthink to\m its the only thinhg, well tom knotha ou asl it probably isn't and probaly some self reflection, individual and clleftive would be a good thing. But what would really be the result of that, what would change, tom that a greta oont acrually nt at muchj. Czechj, Slovai and hugary would still of course remain piss nat countries with a combined GDP of new jersey and it would be tough to make a living . . .

Tom (contines nmy am tal sjow host in my head) how will you manage your carrer. you have a nice job, a nie title, etc. but look aroud you, look at all uour friends what hey have a cheived. hedge fund managers prvate equity cheifs, entrpreneursjournalts authors, award winning motiational speakers, muscians, stand up comediams, doctors, laweres, fully liscend professors with letters after their name. Heck everyine lese face book and linked in page is cooler then mine. Face it I'm a dweedb.

Then I start taking inventoryu of all people I loosely knw to se if anyone is somehow not perjed abopve m in the climb to the summit of the LOOK-AT-ME-ISN'T-MY-LIFE PERFECT moutain. Of curse it easy to ind people who have failed where i haven't. divorced, no family, sputtering carrer, laid off, overweight (more then me at least), overweight spouse, or even worse (as much as I want to I just won't go there). And ashemedly this dies temporarily boost me. Heyt tom look at you, yor life and everthing in it is pretty damn good. look where yu are. you are clining that mountain and making pretty good progress . But still after looking down and looking again at my immediate surrounfng \i look up again and remind how I ma still just stuck in themidle.

Day 32 - Super bowl Sunday, the 'new' new years eve

I announced on face book the other day my proclamation that Superbowl Sunday is the new new years eve, and the following Monday is the new Jan 1. The idea was to give some assistance to all the new year's resolutins I've been putting off for a month. Not that I've been putting them off per se, just haven't really gone for it with gusto, if you kinda get my drift.

One response to this was pretty good. "Chinese New year's just around the corner, why not wait for that?" I liked that idea and said as much. "Then again, so is Mardi Gras . . .  why not wait till lent?" I liked that idea even more, and proclaimed it so!

But alas, I cannot wait any longer. See, I have decided to see what good planning has to offer and have planned out in advance the timing of my diet. No need to rush. January is a good time to get back into a routine. For me that means traveling for work, getting projects on track, and organising lots of logistics for my new HQ location (In Kiev it is a nightmare - everything needs a stamp. There's a notary on ever corner. Traffic, snow, waiting, hassle). Hey, and when your tired from all that why not relax with a glass or five of red wine and a nice meal of lamb chops, polemta, grilled vegables and italian spanish brusheta with goat cheese, peppers, proschuito and artichoke (this is what I order at one of my favorite locals -  not on the diet!).

We'll see how it goes. But it"s not like Januaryu has been a total disaster. I dd manage to get back to my pre-holiday weight as of today, 2 days befoe diet kick's off. I credot this to being sensible - shopping for healty food for about halgf of my meals  and going to the gym a couple of times a week. \for all of this I am relaxed and will enjoy a couple of days of sin (hamburgers, pizolle pork stew, washed down with wine and bar food and beer for the big game!). Am experienced with my doet so have some confidence going in. Am a bit nervous, but fingers crossed!

Day 30 - Wastin' away again in margarittaville